Love isn’t something natural, argues the psychoanalyst Eric Fromm in his book The Art of Loving. Rather, it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and overcoming narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice. Love, therefore, is considered a rare achievement. Modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, and the only rational answer to overcome loneliness is love. The main condition for the achievement of love is overcoming one’s narcissism and being objective, accepting people and reality as they are, not as we want them to be. 

Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not on what I’m going to get but what I’m going to give, says the Rabbi Abraham Twerski. In a video that went viral a couple of years ago, Twerski tells the story of what he calls a “fish love”.

‘Young man. Why are you eating that fish?’ The young mans says, ‘Because I love fish.’ He says, ‘Oh. You love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’ He says, ‘Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you; therefore, you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’

“So much of what is love is fish love. Young couple falls in love. Young man and a young woman fall in love. What does that mean? That means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all of his physical and emotional needs, and she felt in this man somebody she feels that he can provide, that was love, but each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other person becomes a vehicle for my gratification.”

– Abraham Twerski

Let’s try not to fall in fish love.

Happy Valentine’s Day!